My Children Contain Me

I have friends who get this dreamy look in their eyes when they think about the fact that every other weekend my children are with their father. I can see the images in their heads:

She must sleep in.....
Ahh the quiet...
I bet she shops wherever she wants for as long as she wants...
She can eat a meal all the way through...
No fights to breakup...

I am sure there are more images that come to mind, and while some are true, none of it really makes a whole lot of difference to me.

Don't get me wrong, there is one part that is invaluable and a true blessing. I am one of the few couples in my peer group who has every other weekend alone with my husband. We are so fortunate to have this time together (especially with a second marriage) and each weekend we do, we are very grateful and recognize how completely unusual it is.

Even with that, my children contain me. Sitting here and writing, knowing they are not in the house and not coming back until Sunday evening, feels as if a part of me is not breathing. I have often likened it to wearing someone else's shoes; it may be the right size but it has me completely off balance.

There is a reason why children leave home when they are 18. They are ready (for the most part) and we have gone through our own developmental stages where we can get our heads around it, if not our hearts. There is not a mom (and dad) I know who finds it easy to say goodbye at college, but it does make intellectual sense at the very least.

This has never made sense to me.
It has never felt right.
I have waited 5 years for it to feel right.

I think I will be waiting a long time...maybe when they are 18?

Or, maybe not.