Elon got up in front of 75 people and through his tears read these words. I did not edit this, and wanted to share it with you all.
Grandma, I love you very much. I am glad you lived a long happy life. I have lots of very good memories of you. You alway shad funny sayings and were always saying them. You've never heard me read Torah, but when Eliana and I have our B'nai Mitzvah I know you will watching us. I love you very much. You taught me many good lessons in life and I am sure with those lessons you have taught me I will live a successful life. We always played scrabble with you and I made a scrabble memorial that says "Great Grandma was here."I know I have said this many times before, but I love you and you are a very generous and giving person. You are always giving generous amounts of money to us and I love that. You mean the world to me and I am always going to have you in my heart. I will always miss grandma and will always think about you when you died you knew when you were going to see us, but our plane was late so you died before we could see you for the last time. I hope you will have a good time in heaven and cant wait to see you there in 80 years. Goodbye, Grandma.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
For Grandma at Her Funeral May 10, 2010
We sat at your dining room table this past Shabbat and for the first time in nearly 41 years you were not in your seat. A palpable emptiness filled my heart and I wept. Being in your house without you makes me ache. My history lives in the remnants of the things that exist between the walls at 9601 Monte Mar Dr. Each room tells a story from my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood - and I am not quite sure how to leave it behind and don't know exactly what to take with me. Nothing I take will replace my calls to you at night when I am sad. I never had to tell you. You just knew. You would end each conversation the same way. "I love you, love you, love you."
What woman will give that kind of love?
What woman will take such pride in me?
What woman will call me her own?
Without a mother was I a daughter?
Without a grandmother am I anyone's grand daughter?
Loss smacks us against our changing roles and asks us to redefine how we see ourselves in the world. So as I moved through the process of the short time when you were not well, I was torn. I believed this chapter of your life was to be completed by my mom and aunt Charlene. Yet, on Thursday, after 15 hours of being together, you continued to make your choice clear to Neil and I. We honored the way you wanted to leave this world, but it was so very painful to watch you die. To hear you breathe like I heard mom breathe was watching death walk into my life and it was a familiar visitor. Your age does not make it easier or more welcome. Your age just gives it a place of sense in the cycle of life and death.
I work each and every day with traumatic loss and grief; with mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who lose people they love too soon. As someone who lost my own mom when I was 16, my work is not uncomfortable for me. I get to make a difference in the lives of so many by companioning them on their journey of grief. I can put the loss of grandma in a place in my heart and head that makes sense. The deep sadness I feel is not because this is a senseless death. It is not.
Grandma lived a full life. She traveled the world from the land of Australia, to climbing the Great Wall of China, to dragging me (literally) up an Egyptian pyramid. How many people can say their first time in Israel was with their grandma? I prayed at the Wall with Grandma and she passed this deep love of Israel on to me and I passed it on to Elon and Eliana. Grandma took great pride in the fact that when the kids travel to Israel for the first time in the 8th grade, that she would be instrumental in getting them there. While she deeply wanted to be here next year for their Bnai Mitzvah, I wanted her to hear of the moment her great grandchildren stepped foot in the Holy Land. Imagine her tremendous pride - her great grand children in the land of Israel...
Grandma committed herself to over 50 charities, but if any other charity send her a free set of labels, a pen or a calendar, she would pay the postage to send these freebies back with a letter. Don't call me and I wont call you. She knew what she wanted. She did not mince her words. She was a staunch democrat and truly worried about the world - not for herself - but for us. She volunteered at the Wellness Community and some of her most joyful moments were those she gave to sick children at Cedar Sinai hospital, where she took a clown cart around until she was 93. Keeping her mind clear was a priority, so in addition to reading and watching the news, she loved to play bridge. Her Monday bridge game was the highlight of her week, unless her week included time with her family. She took unbridled joy in her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She would often say, "My original investments went sour, but the dividends have been the best." But as much as she loved us she loved her nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews - she loved you. As much as she would talk about me to you, she talked about you to me. I cannot mention each of you by name, so please do not be hurt - she loved you all, but I do have to mention a few.
Bobbie and Carole - you were "the girls." You loved her and looked out for her and she was so deeply grateful that you loved her as your own mother. You were my proxy - I knew when I could not be there you would be there, not just in my place, but in place of my mom.
Joan and Mel - your marriage was an inspiration to her. When Alan and I married, she said maybe this time it will be like Joan and Mel's. Her heart broke when Tracy died - as much for a young life lost to breast cancer, but even more so that you both know the pain she endured. Knowing you lost your child as she lost her own, was something she was never able to recover from - she would talk to me about this frequently.
She talked about all of you with such love, but I want you to know Danny, Carla, Elan, Ben and Jacob - you were deep and great loves of her life. I cannot begin to tell you how much she adored you, honored you, but also how deeply loved she felt by you. You were hers as much as I was. You enriched her life, you gave her joy.
Mark and Brian - you were "the boys" and she loved you so very much. Dorothy she would tell me you were "the sweetest soul, " and that she felt safe knowing that you both lived close by. As I said I cannot include everyone but from the Blooms, to the Flacks, to the Primacks, to the Lifsons, Kahans, Altagens and Sweets - you were all deeply loved by grandma. She was alive by the love she gave. It gave her the essence of who she was. He love for all of us sustained her.
I share all of this because grandma could have chosen a different path in life. Losing my mom when she was only 41 and my aunt when she was 59, losing her marriage after 35 years and outliving all her siblings, she could have lived an angry, bitter, joyless and loveless life. But she didn't.
She consciously chose to love rather than hate.
She consciously chose joy over anger.
She consciously chose to dance with exuberance, rather than sitting off to the side stuck in her own pain.
If any of you want to walk way with a powerful life lesson from grandma - please take those.
We do not have a choice if those we live will die, but we do have a choice over what we do in our lives with the loss. Viktor Frankle, a Holocaust survivor, lost everyone in his life that he loved. He believed that when all our freedom is taken from us the one freedom that always remains is our freedom to choose our reaction to any given situation. Grandma was the embodiment of this belief.
When we left the hospital after grandma died on Friday, it was a beautiful, sunny day. We were at a busy intersection with businesses and no children. A bubble cascaded in front of the car- floating upward...
So grandma, as you make your way to the next world, I ask this:
Watch over us with your strength
Guide us with your courage
And love us with your joy for life.
And when you see mommy tell your I miss her and now and then let me know you are close so I do not feel so alone.
What woman will give that kind of love?
What woman will take such pride in me?
What woman will call me her own?
Without a mother was I a daughter?
Without a grandmother am I anyone's grand daughter?
Loss smacks us against our changing roles and asks us to redefine how we see ourselves in the world. So as I moved through the process of the short time when you were not well, I was torn. I believed this chapter of your life was to be completed by my mom and aunt Charlene. Yet, on Thursday, after 15 hours of being together, you continued to make your choice clear to Neil and I. We honored the way you wanted to leave this world, but it was so very painful to watch you die. To hear you breathe like I heard mom breathe was watching death walk into my life and it was a familiar visitor. Your age does not make it easier or more welcome. Your age just gives it a place of sense in the cycle of life and death.
I work each and every day with traumatic loss and grief; with mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who lose people they love too soon. As someone who lost my own mom when I was 16, my work is not uncomfortable for me. I get to make a difference in the lives of so many by companioning them on their journey of grief. I can put the loss of grandma in a place in my heart and head that makes sense. The deep sadness I feel is not because this is a senseless death. It is not.
Grandma lived a full life. She traveled the world from the land of Australia, to climbing the Great Wall of China, to dragging me (literally) up an Egyptian pyramid. How many people can say their first time in Israel was with their grandma? I prayed at the Wall with Grandma and she passed this deep love of Israel on to me and I passed it on to Elon and Eliana. Grandma took great pride in the fact that when the kids travel to Israel for the first time in the 8th grade, that she would be instrumental in getting them there. While she deeply wanted to be here next year for their Bnai Mitzvah, I wanted her to hear of the moment her great grandchildren stepped foot in the Holy Land. Imagine her tremendous pride - her great grand children in the land of Israel...
Grandma committed herself to over 50 charities, but if any other charity send her a free set of labels, a pen or a calendar, she would pay the postage to send these freebies back with a letter. Don't call me and I wont call you. She knew what she wanted. She did not mince her words. She was a staunch democrat and truly worried about the world - not for herself - but for us. She volunteered at the Wellness Community and some of her most joyful moments were those she gave to sick children at Cedar Sinai hospital, where she took a clown cart around until she was 93. Keeping her mind clear was a priority, so in addition to reading and watching the news, she loved to play bridge. Her Monday bridge game was the highlight of her week, unless her week included time with her family. She took unbridled joy in her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She would often say, "My original investments went sour, but the dividends have been the best." But as much as she loved us she loved her nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews - she loved you. As much as she would talk about me to you, she talked about you to me. I cannot mention each of you by name, so please do not be hurt - she loved you all, but I do have to mention a few.
Bobbie and Carole - you were "the girls." You loved her and looked out for her and she was so deeply grateful that you loved her as your own mother. You were my proxy - I knew when I could not be there you would be there, not just in my place, but in place of my mom.
Joan and Mel - your marriage was an inspiration to her. When Alan and I married, she said maybe this time it will be like Joan and Mel's. Her heart broke when Tracy died - as much for a young life lost to breast cancer, but even more so that you both know the pain she endured. Knowing you lost your child as she lost her own, was something she was never able to recover from - she would talk to me about this frequently.
She talked about all of you with such love, but I want you to know Danny, Carla, Elan, Ben and Jacob - you were deep and great loves of her life. I cannot begin to tell you how much she adored you, honored you, but also how deeply loved she felt by you. You were hers as much as I was. You enriched her life, you gave her joy.
Mark and Brian - you were "the boys" and she loved you so very much. Dorothy she would tell me you were "the sweetest soul, " and that she felt safe knowing that you both lived close by. As I said I cannot include everyone but from the Blooms, to the Flacks, to the Primacks, to the Lifsons, Kahans, Altagens and Sweets - you were all deeply loved by grandma. She was alive by the love she gave. It gave her the essence of who she was. He love for all of us sustained her.
I share all of this because grandma could have chosen a different path in life. Losing my mom when she was only 41 and my aunt when she was 59, losing her marriage after 35 years and outliving all her siblings, she could have lived an angry, bitter, joyless and loveless life. But she didn't.
She consciously chose to love rather than hate.
She consciously chose joy over anger.
She consciously chose to dance with exuberance, rather than sitting off to the side stuck in her own pain.
If any of you want to walk way with a powerful life lesson from grandma - please take those.
We do not have a choice if those we live will die, but we do have a choice over what we do in our lives with the loss. Viktor Frankle, a Holocaust survivor, lost everyone in his life that he loved. He believed that when all our freedom is taken from us the one freedom that always remains is our freedom to choose our reaction to any given situation. Grandma was the embodiment of this belief.
When we left the hospital after grandma died on Friday, it was a beautiful, sunny day. We were at a busy intersection with businesses and no children. A bubble cascaded in front of the car- floating upward...
So grandma, as you make your way to the next world, I ask this:
Watch over us with your strength
Guide us with your courage
And love us with your joy for life.
And when you see mommy tell your I miss her and now and then let me know you are close so I do not feel so alone.
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