The Death of Expectations

I have been thinking lately about the death of expectations. I do not mean to sound morose. Although as a therapist who specializes in grief and bereavement, we "death people" as I have been lovingly called, are actually quite a hopeful bunch. After all, we get to journey with people on a road of discovery that most just hear of.

The death of expectations is an awareness that the images and ideas of how we thought things should be, are just that, images. Lets face it we all have these images. We hold them for marriage, children, work, friendships, our financial solvency, what kind of woman or man we want to be, our weight, our parents....I could go on. Before we have what we want, we can see the image clearly, right? We can almost taste it, we want it so badly. It is clear in our minds eye. Then one day we "have" what we dreamt about. Time passes and the image is this transparent, often blurry thing we cant get a handle on. We can push our hands right through it and sometimes feel its essence. Sometimes we think we understand what we are seeing, but in a different light it changes and we have to start over again.

Our images of the "should be's" conveniently provide us a nice pair of dark glasses which shade us from the true spirit of others. For example, I must admit, that not until recently did I get that each one of my friends meets me where they can. I can meet them there if I choose, but I can't force them to move faster, work harder or think they should dedicate their lives to me because I am terminally unique. In an effort to have my friends conform to my image of what things should be like, I was not able to see the gifts they had to offer...I was busy squinting and adjusting the picture so it could be the way I wanted it to be. That is exhausting and not terribly rewarding.

I also has this image of what life could be like when I had a daughter. I am not a day dreamer, so I did not lay up at night thinking about pink dresses, manicures and girl days at the mall. But once she was here I did think about how we could enjoy our lives together, talking and connecting with each other on some deep level. I would do better than my mom did with me (please hear Harry Chapin at this juncture),
and she and I would have this great foundation
(the butterflies and doves are flying by now)
so when she was 16 and I was alive to enjoy her, I could have that mother daughter relationship I didn't get to complete.

Did I paint my image clearly?

Can you see it?

OK, now for those of you who know my daughter...do you see the problem here?

The universe does not always provide you with what you want, but rather, often, you get what you need, whether you think you need it today or not. Which is why I have to smile now when I think of Eliana's name. Her name is Hebrew and the translation is: My God Has Answered. That is what her name means. Her name is not, My God Has Answered My Prayers, or My God Has Answered Yes, and it is not My God has answered by giving me all I expected. It is simply My God has answered. The answer is a continuous revelation and learning from a daughter to a mother.

God answered with a little girl whose smile lights up a room.

God answered with a little girl who needs me in her way, on her time, and in her space.

God answered with a little girl who connects on her terms. Very few kisses, hugs, snuggles or conversations. These are my images of how it should be. God did not answer me with that daughter.

And there in lies the death of expectation.

I mourn this.

I see what a typical almost 10 year old girl is like, and that is not who I have. I have pretended that this is ok, because if I did not pretend, how horrible am I?

I lost my mom too soon. I wanted a daughter who I could have the relationship I imagined. Is that so wrong?

I expected it.

Who am I, to expect such a thing? But I did. And now, I mourn the death of this expectation.

And there are those of you who read this who will be outraged because you don't have children and I do. You will curse me and say be grateful for your blessings, you have a daughter. I get that, believe me, that is what makes the death of expectations a mix of sadness and deep shame.

Sadness because I need to let go of the "should be's" and guilt for being sad in the first place, since I have been blessed with this extraordinary child and My God Has Answered.